ADC 2023 talk — ChatGPT version

Write a 250 word closing argument on the theme "the importance of keeping your enemies closer". It is intended for an audience of audio engineers who are very intelligent. Make it funny.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the sonic spectrum, esteemed auditory architects, and fellow engineers of the invisible waves, we gather here amidst cables and consoles to contemplate a proverb as old as the first feedback loop: “Keep your enemies closer.”

Now, you might wonder, what enemies do we, the virtuosos of voltage and maestros of microphones, have? Ah, they are many and nefarious: the Hum, the Hiss, the Dreaded Dead Air. These are not foes we can banish with a fader or a filter. No, we must embrace them, pull them into our acoustically treated lairs and learn their ways.

Why, you ask? Consider the Hum — an incessant drone, the bane of pristine recording. Yet, by keeping it close, we learn about grounding and shielding, turning our studios into fortresses impervious to its meddling. The Hiss, a sibilant serpent, teaches us the sacred art of noise gates and the hallowed high-pass filter. And Dead Air, that silent specter, reminds us to always have a backup, be it a playlist or a witty anecdote.

By keeping these enemies closer than our dearest vintage microphones, we stay sharp, innovative, and ever-prepared. We turn weaknesses into strengths, much like how auto-tune transformed the untamed warble into chart-topping hits.

So, let us toast to our adversaries, for without them, we’d be complacent, our soldering irons cold and our patch bays pristine but purposeless. In the grand mix of life, it is the noise that challenges us to produce the symphony. And just remember, when the Hum creeps in, it might just be asking for a cup of coffee and a chat about that ground loop isolator. Cheers, and may our mixes be ever clear, and our enemies forever near — but not too near, we don’t want feedback. Thank you.